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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29749407">memory</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayxiaolong/pseuds/gayxiaolong'>gayxiaolong</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RWBY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-V8:C10, Winter Schnee Character Study, in which its just the way she felt about her dad :(, in which winter is scared of ironwood, literally just introspective nonsense, winter please defect</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:27:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,050</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29749407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayxiaolong/pseuds/gayxiaolong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ironwood is giving his ultimatum, but Winter has her own.</p>
<p>***<br/>or,<br/>Looking at Ironwood, she feels just as scared as she always was around her father.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emotions have always been complicated. They can grant Winter strength, they can guide her, but they can easily take her over. She’s always tried to stop them, to cut off her feelings before they break her down. Winter will take the cost of being icy over the weight of feeling any day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Memory, though, is its own kind of destruction. Impossible to control but just as consuming, the past has its way of digging itself in. Her vision stays painted in dark strokes of her childhood, a haze she views the rest of her life through. As much as she’s grown up, as far from the Manor as she’s put herself, she still lives with the weight. Memory controls her regardless. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Ironwood put his hand on her shoulder, she cowered in fear like a child- weak, vulnerable, scared, helpless. She looked down, avoided his eyes, tried to wrestle with all she was feeling. His touch scared her in a way she’s felt her whole life. In that moment, she felt every version of herself, chest weighted by every past ‘<em>Winter</em>’.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was suddenly eight again, the first time she realized her father didn’t care about her feelings. He blew up, yelled at her, laughed when she cried. She ran, caught somewhere between sad and scared and embarrassed, bare feet hitting the cold tile of the Manor as she made the long trek to her room. When Klein found her that night, she pushed him away. It was the first time she decided she could handle her emotions alone, that nobody else should see her in pain. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was suddenly fourteen again, when she had to start spending more time with her father- training to take on a legacy she never got to choose herself. The one she did choose, her dream of being a huntress, she practiced for in secret. Every night, she pushed her bed to the side to make room and trained until she collapsed. Her summons got stronger, her glyphs became second nature- what she had to do to survive, to get out. Every day she looked up at her father in fear, every day gave her more reason to leave. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was suddenly sixteen again, when her father snapped on Weiss’ birthday. Her mother yelled, her father dropped the bomb that he never cared about her- about any of them. Willow left that day, in every way that mattered. Jacques got worse, angrier - somehow he managed to get angrier. Winter got the brunt of it, quiet moments of manipulation followed by loud moments where she had to hold back tears. She’d leave his office every day and put a brave face on for Weiss. She’d find her sister - only ten then - standing outside his office, scared of the noise on the other side of the door. Winter would lead her away, push everything down, dream about getting both of them out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was suddenly eighteen again, when every visit home from the Academy was filled with fear. She was expected to graduate with a high ranking, add even more prestige to the family name, but return to the business after it all. There was a burden there, a future not promised but imposed. She was too scared to say the words out loud- too scared to voice how badly she wanted to leave. She knows as soon as the words leave her lips, there’s nothing to fall back on. She knew the burden would be pushed onto Weiss, and that was too much to bear. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only version of herself she feels a disconnect from is Winter at nineteen. The version in Ironwood’s office, convinced that joining him was the right thing, seems so far despite how she stands in nearly the same spot. Back then, he told her about the promise she had, how he already saw a bright future in the military ahead of her. She had looked at him with bright blue eyes and nodded, an idealistic ‘<em>yes, sir</em>’ that she fell into for years. She saw promise there, a future she could choose herself. She didn’t know, then, how little of the choice was hers. The burden put on her was greater than she thought, destined for her but unfulfilled. That version of Winter is dissonant, a child who let the chance at a future taint her choices. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Winter made it out of his office after his outburst- after he broke his table into pieces, bringing Winter back to every time she flinched at her father’s movements. Alone in the hall, away from the Ace Ops and the responsibility for a moment, she sits against the wall with her hands around her knees. It’s a vulnerability she’d never fall into, a position she’d never let anyone see her in, if the past few days hadn’t broken her beyond recognition. Her shattered edges would show to anyone who catches her eye, even given her practice in concealed expressions. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Awaiting further orders as Ironwood films his announcement, she sits with the memories, the emotions they bring, the weight on her shoulder she can still feel. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ironwood is giving his ultimatum, but Winter has her own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Winter could push this down, again. She can wrestle with her fear but not let it control her. She can go back to the office, salute, and apologize for disobeying orders. The Ace Ops would fall to her command, Harriet would roll her eyes that she’s still outranked, and she’d be off doing missions she knows she doesn’t believe in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Or </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She could let herself feel. Winter could leave, she could find a future she actually gets to choose. She could find her sister, apologize until she’s blue in the face for what she did to her friends. She could help Weiss’ team, if they’d have her. Winter would go on, forgiveness or not. She could save Penny. She could find Qrow and Robyn. She could do so much. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, of course, that’s harder. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It would be easy to stand, now. It would be easy to go on how she’s been for years. It would be easy to let memory take her over, to let the same fear she felt towards her father coat every interaction with Ironwood now. She could push everything down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She doesn’t, this time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi i have a lot of feelings about winter schnee especially after this episode so this was just introspective nonsense about her &lt;3 let me know what you think, comments mean the world to me !!</p>
<p>you can find me on twitter @gayxiaolong :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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